Everyone who's ever been to the theater has a list of pet peeves. I've always thought such lists were a bit precious, but after my recent experience at the theater, I feel compelled to share my own DO NOT DO THIS! list for the world to see. Here goes:
1. If you have to pee before the show begins and you happen to be sitting in the middle of a row, DO NOT go to your seat first, drop off your sweater, and then go back out to pee. Pee first and save the lap dancing for later.
2. When the stage manager tells you to unwrap your throat lozenge before the play begins, he is being somewhat metaphorical. He really means to include other noisemakers, too. I realize that inference is a difficult concept, but please DO NOT dig out your packet of tic tacs in the middle of the show.
3. If you could beat me in a jump ball tossup without even jumping or standing on your tippy toes, *and* you happen to be sitting in front of me, DO NOT move your head. Find a position that's comfortable and stay there. One or two neck stretches per act are fine, but that's it. DO NOT rest your giant head on your right hand for 30 seconds and then rest it on your left for a while, and then the right and then the left and then the right..... And DO NOT lean over to nuzzle your partner's neck every time something gooey happens on stage.
4. DO NOT provide a running plot commentary to your girlfriends, especially in your loud NY voice. Note that said girlfriends are sitting next to you and watching the same play. Unless they are demented, they know what's happening.
The list is longer, but if I continue I'll need a valium.
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